99 Days Without Alec
by vaporix
Summary: Magnus loses Alec. Magnus feels he can't go on, but tries to stay strong for the downworlders, and Alec. Knowing that Alec is actually gone, he slips into depression. But, 99 days after Alec's death, Magnus knows it's time to join Alec in heaven.
1. Prologue

Dear Alec,

You've been gone for two weeks now. I haven't been coping well. The people in the institute have even sent me to a therapist to help me forget. But I can't forget. You're all I ever think about. Your head of luscious hair, the way your smile lights up a room, your blue eyes that I love so much. You're impossible to forget. I don't want to forget.

Of course the people are worried about me. I'm even worried about me. My therapist is worried as well, and that's why she has handed me this journal, so I can write down my innermost thoughts. I'm supposed to give it to her every week to read over, and I just feel so weird giving it to her. Most of my thoughts revolve around you, so I guess that's why she wants to read it over, to make sure I'm handling everything well.

But to be honest I'm not, and yes I'm fairly aware she will read this. But the truth has got to come out sooner or later, yeah? She never specifically told me what to write, but just that I have to write. So I'm writing to you. I hope you don't mind. I want you to know how I've coped with the whole thing.


	2. Day 1

**Day One:**

_I woke up like I did every morning, expecting to find you curled up by my side. But when I turned over, the bed was empty, and you were nowhere to be spotted. At first I brushed it off, telling myself that you were just cooking breakfast or showering. But the lack of noise throughout the apartment should have deterred me, and I apologize that I didn't pay any mind to it. I should have known. I should have stopped you._

_When I finally rose from bed, the silence in the house unnerved me, and that's when the nerves began to kick in. I felt light-headed walking through the flat in my search for you, my knees growing weaker with every step I took._

_I guess you could say I finally fell to my knees the moment I found you. I cried. A lot actually. My eyes stung with poisonous tears and my heart pumped with venom at the sight of you. But I don't blame you, I never have. I blame myself._

_I will never be able to un-live that day, or erase the image of your cold unmoving body lying still on the floor. It haunts me every day, and every night._

_I did the only thing I knew how to do, and I called the ambulance. They were in the flat within minutes, carrying you away from me. I was unable to move, as well as Maryse and Max, who I had called along with Jace right after the ambulance. It was Jace who drove us all behind the ambulance, while I silently cried to myself in the back seat._

_I didn't want to believe it._


	3. Day 2

**Day Two:**

Your family was there. We were all there. I hugged your mother, trying to comfort her while she cried her eyes out, all the while trying to contain my own tears. The rest of the peolpe took care of Isabelle, who began screaming and thrashing, refusing to believe that her brother had left her. Tears were flying all over the place, and it became hard to defer whose tears belong to whom, but it didn't really matter.

We all watched from the sidelines as you were removed from your bed, and carried away on a long stretcher, a thin white sheet covering you, so I was unable to see your face one last time.

I refused to believe you were gone. I still refuse.

You're coming back, aren't you? I hope you do. Everybody's pretty fucked up about it. I miss the way things used to be, you know? Now anyone hardly ever smiles. I miss your smile.


	4. Day 3

**Day Three:**

Silent. That's the only word I can use to describe that day. In fact, any day beyond the second has just fallen silent. There were no words to say then, and there still isn't any.

The boys and I sat stiffly on Jace's couch, tears slipping down our faces as we realized, we weren't together anymore. There was no 'Malec' without you, and there still isn't.

So that day was wasted on our own pitiful thoughts, and wondering what we would do now that you were gone.


	5. Day 4

**Day Four:**

I found your note that day. The familiar sight of your handwriting drove me to tears. I couldn't find myself to share it with anyone.

Clary visited me that day. I think it was Wednesday, but I really didn't know. I couldn't find myself to care. Usually we would be at a restaurant, but the news had already been leaked to the press, and spread all over the town. I refused to go out, or watch TV. The only things that played were predictions on why you had done it, but I knew why, so I didn't want to hear about others theories.

Our fans miss you. I've had multiple come up to me while I was walking the streets, crying their eyes out and hugging me, apologizing for my loss. They say that you were amazing, and an amazing person, that you didn't deserve to go so young. I agree with them.

Why did you leave? Well, I know why. But I just can't wrap my head around it.

I ended up showing your mother the note. I know you meant it to reach my eyes, and my eyes only, but I felt she had a right to know. She cried, Alec. She cried a lot. I feel as though I'm the one to blame for all of this, and the weight on my shoulders just keeps growing.


	6. Day 5

**Day Five:**

We finally began arranging your funeral that day. I don't know if it was a bit too early to arrange or a bit too late, but all I know is that nobody wanted to do it. Nobody wanted to accept the fact that you were really gone.


	7. Day 6

**Day Six:**

I showed the boys the note that day. Well, I didn't exactly show them. I left it on the kitchen counter, and Max had come across it. He walked into the living room with tears streaming down his face, and began to shout at me.


	8. Day 7

**Day Seven:**

A week without you in my life, feels like an eternity, and I spent the entire day watching cut scenes videos of you and me in City of Bones and interviews of us, pretending you were there with me, laughing along.


	9. Day 8-12

**Day Eight-Twelve:**

I decided to write these days into one big entry because well, not much happened in those days. Max still refused to speak to me, and I didn't blame him. Jace and Maryse tried their best to talk to me, but I had become distant. I spoke to no one, except for you of course. But you weren't really there, and that began to worry them.


	10. Day 13

**Day Thirteen:**

I probably should have said in the last entry that by day nine we had finished arranging your funeral. Four days later and there I was, standing cloaked in black over a deep hole in the ground, where you would be forced to remain underneath for eternity.

It wasn't open casket. We all knew how much you loathed other people seeing you when you weren't decent. Everyone agreed that it was probably best, and to be honest, I didn't want to look at your face knowing your eyes would no longer flutter open, and I would no longer be able to look into your blue orbs.

I cried again that day. Heck, I cried every day since the day you left. But that day was much worse. When they were placing you inside the hole, I almost ran over to stop them, and it took Jace, Max, and Maryse to hold me back. I had dropped to my knees crying my eyes out. I wasn't able to stand strong at your funeral, and I am so sorry.

You must be disappointed in me. I know you've always thought of me as strong. But that's only when I'm with you. Now that you're gone, I don't know what to do with myself.

It was a long service, and I embraced every single member of your family, apologizing and muttering incoherent words throughout all of my blubbering. Isabelle and Robert held me the longest, and we sobbed into each other's shoulders. I pulled away from Isabelle, and stared at her a long while. I told her that the two of you looked a lot alike. She's so beautiful Alec, and I promise to take care of her.

I promise to take care of your mother too. She had always been like a second mother to me anyways. When I hugged her, she whispered something in my ear that I will never forget, and I really hope she wasn't lying to me.

"He loved you, you know." She whispered, and pulled back with a small smile on her face. She walked away before I had a chance to reply, leaving me speechless, before I broke down sobbing again. Jace had to carry me out to the car, and I resisted. I didn't want to leave you.


	11. Day 14

**Day Fourteen:**

I'd just like to say that I wasn't willing to go to therapy. But everyone insisted that I go. I went, but I didn't like it. The therapist poked and prodded me for information, asking me about how I felt and what my thoughts were. I didn't like the invasion of privacy. My thoughts were meant to stay hidden, not to end up in here.

But now here I am, writing to you.

I can sometimes feel you, you know. It's like you're watching me. Instead of being scary, like I imagined it would be, it's actually quite comforting.


	12. Day 15

**Day Fifteen:**

And now here I am, present day. Today, I feel… empty. But I guess that's just what comes with losing the person you love, right? Madeleine read over my journal last night—did I forget to tell you my therapists name is Madeleine? Oh well, it is.

She seemed disappointed in me, but I couldn't find myself to care. She told me to stop writing these entries, but I told her that it was actually helping me. In a way it is. I feel as if you're here with me, reading everything I jot down on this page.

Right then, back to today. I didn't do much to be quite honest. Jace came over, and we watched a couple movies to try and return back to the old days. Maryse called me just to check up. Still no word from Max though, and I'm starting to worry our friendship will never patch up.


	13. Day 16

**Day Sixteen:**

People are saying that Malec is over, and it's really tearing me up inside. It's only been a little over two weeks and already people are starting to talk. Jace are trying to get back to work, but it's just too soon. We don't think we can handle going outside quite yet, knowing that Jace lost his brother , who isn't coming back.

It's not as if we've denied the rumors. In fact, I wouldn't even consider us Malec anymore either. You came up with the name Mags, so without you here it just feels wrong to call ourselves that.

I know you probably would want us to move on, and keep going with killing demons. But it's just so HARD.

Why can't you just come back?


	14. Day 17-20

**Day Seventeen-Twenty:**

I'm sorry I forgot to write an entry the past few days. To be honest, I haven't even left my bed. I'm just so TIRED. I guess you would understand, since you're asleep for an eternity now. Was that rude to say? I don't know. I don't know what happens after you pass, but some have said it's just a world of black you're surrounded in. God, I sure hope you're not sitting in blackness Alec, you deserve to sing with the angels.

I bet you'd sound pretty good harmonizing with them, I've always thought you had a voice like the angels. Maybe you could be my guardian angel and sing me to sleep sometime, okay?

Anyways, back to the previous days. As I said, I've just been so tired. I haven't left my bed. All I have to accompany me is my laptop, which I don't mind. There are tons to do online. But I try my best to avoid any social networking sites. I'm just not ready to face the real world quite yet.

Maryse has stopped by quite a bit. I think she's the most worried about me out of everyone. I used to be the one who always smiled, and always brightened everyone else's day. Now that I'm no longer that person, Maryse tries to be there. She tries to make me smile, and I appreciate the effort.

I just don't know if I'll ever be able to smile again.


	15. Day 21-22

**Day Twenty-One & Twenty-Two:**

Jace stayed over the past two nights. He's sleeping on the couch next to me now. It feels good to have somebody staying in the flat with me. When it's just me, it feels so big and empty. I think I may have one of the boys sleep over more often. If that's okay with you?

I just don't want to feel alone anymore.

Max finally called me today. He apologized for blowing up on me. I was just glad to finally hear his voice directed towards me. I of course apologized for hiding the note. He stated that he totally understood my reasoning behind it. I think we may finally be heading towards peace.

Oh, I broke up with Camille a while ago. In case you wanted to know. The day I found you, actually. I just haven't had the courage to write it down until now.

You should have just held on for one more day. Then you'd still be here with me. We could finally be happy.


	16. Day 23

**Day Twenty-Three:**

Therapy is absolute torture. I'm not getting any better. Madeleine keeps telling me to give it up, and stop writing these entries because they're not helping me. But I can't stop. If I stop, I'll feel as if I'm betraying you.

I can't let you down again.


	17. Day 24

**Day Twenty-Four:**

Madeleine asked me about the note today. I don't know why she's kept quiet for so long. When she asked I just couldn't hold in the tears, but I reluctantly handed her the crumpled up piece of paper. Is it weird that I carry it around with me? It's like a fire burning a hole in my pocket, reminding me of the pain everywhere I go, but I just can't let it go. It's one of the last remaining things I have of you.


	18. Day 25

**Day Twenty-Five:**

It's been a while since I research about magic. But I did it today. It was my first day , and let me just say that it sounds so different without your voice mixed in with mine.I've had to change all of the things we usually do .I missed when you walk beside me and we would express our feelings like there's no tomorrow.

Your voice was one in a million I swear. Whenever you talk to me the whole world just became a blur in my eyes, and all I could see was you.

Come back to me, Alec?

_[Author's note: I'm putting this story on hold for a while because I have to study for final. You can read Beautiful Creature (people says that it's a good story and it's Malec fanfic) or Haunted.]_


End file.
